Happy travels: How to make sure you avoid arguments on your summer holiday

Are you OK?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yep.”

“Right. Great.”

Pause.

“It’s just that you seem a bit-”

“A bit what?”

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

This exchange, or some variation of it, used to be the sonic backdrop to every holiday I took with my ex. I defy any established couple not to recognise the seething tensions that roil beneath the somewhat calm transcript – the passive-aggressive undercurrent that flows through it – like strong waves on a beach getaway.

The subject of the discord was almost immaterial. There would always come a point – usually while sitting in tense silence at a restaurant, oblivious to the majestic sunset and delicious grilled seafood – when I’d wonder where it had all gone wrong. We were on holiday, for goodness sake! We were meant to be having a nice time!

It’s not just me who’s experienced the perils of the vacation barney. According to research by railcard.co.uk published earlier this year, one in four couples clash when travelling; another study found that more than 42 per cent of respondents argued more than expected with their partner on holiday. Far from being relaxing, time away could well be the ultimate stress test for a relationship. Why are we so prone to disagreements when not on home turf?

“A holiday places a magnifying glass on the relationship, and that can intensify things quite a lot,” says Elinor Harvey, a psychotherapist and clinical director at The Relationship Therapy Practice. It’s not that the holiday creates problems out of nowhere, but that it amplifies issues that were already there.

“Think about all the combinations of things that have to happen in order for the holiday to even come about – possible financial stress around how much is acceptable to spend on a holiday, or there might be friction when planning it, because one person might be the natural organiser but have a lot of resentment about that,” adds Harvey. (I can certainly relate to that feeling.)

Then there’s the difference between expectation and reality, according to Fenia Christodoulidi, head of training and consultancy for Relate. “One reason that couples tend to have tension is the fantasy that the holiday will be perfect, and I think social media bombards us with a lot of information about what makes a ‘perfect’ holiday,” she says.

Decision fatigue is an inherent part of planning and executing travel too – where to stay, where to eat, which sights to see. It can be exhausting. And the gap between what you and your partner expect from a break can prove incredibly disappointing. “One partner may see it as time to pause and restore, whereas the other partner may think it’s time to be adventurous and explore – so they may clash about what needs they want to be met,” adds Christodoulidi.

I’m reminded of a friend who found herself weeping in the middle of Paris when she realised that her then-partner’s idea of the perfect romantic mini-break involved ticking off every museum in a five-mile radius, while she’d been fantasising about quaffing red wine and slow strolls along the Seine.

Frustrations can arise, too, around exactly the same domestic issues that plague day-to-day life. If you’re staying in a villa, no matter how beautiful it is, someone has to cook and wash up. “Technically you’re on holiday, but the roles and responsibilities often revert to type – and that can be huge, because you’ve come into it with the expectation that it’s going to be a chance for you to have a break,” Harvey explains. This reaction can be further heightened when you factor in childcare on a family holiday.

For a partner who has a high-pressure job, it can be a real challenge to switch off from work – another source of friction. “I work with lots of professionals and they crash into a holiday because they’ve been working flat out,” says Harvey. “In a week’s holiday, you can’t just decompress immediately. It might take several days to get out of work-mode.”

But couples don’t just have to accept that spats or all-out warfare are inevitable. Simply talking in the run-up to going away can make a world of difference.

“Communication is king,” advises Harvey. “How do we navigate what our different expectations might be, our different vision of holidays? Ideally we’re not leaving that conversation until the week before; we’re hopefully having those discussions over a longer period in the lead-up.”

She recommends naming any specific anxieties ahead of time. Worried that you’re going to be saddled with making all the meals and cleaning the Airbnb kitchen every night? “Don’t be afraid to raise that stuff before you’re out there – don’t wait till you’re full of resentment as you scrub the worktops while everyone else is at the pool,” says Harvey.

Lifting the pressure to be joined at the hip on holiday is also advisable. “My husband likes hiking and exercising, whereas I may want to lie on the beach – and as long as we agree that we don’t have to do everything together, that is fine,” says Christodoulidi. She also recommends explicitly hashing out how you’re going to make decisions and who’s responsible for what in advance.

Even if you’ve laid the communication groundwork, conflict can and does still arise on holiday. Rather than avoiding it at all costs, what’s crucial is being able to navigate disagreement in a healthy way. (It’s certainly cheaper than booking a separate hotel room or catching the next flight home in a fit of pique.)

The normal dynamic of “rupture and repair” can admittedly be tougher – you’re spending an intense amount of time together, perhaps trapped in one hotel room. “I’m a big believer in a timeout,” says Harvey. “If you’re in a full emotional blast, communication is quite challenging.” If you notice things are escalating, her advice is to say: “Let’s press pause, let’s give each other some space.” Emotions can spike but then recede just as quickly; humans naturally self-regulate quite well.

Christodoulidi emphasises the need for the timeout to be “responsible”: “It’s not a timeout where I abandon you. It’s a timeout that says, I’ll go for a walk, and then I’ll come back in an hour, and we’ll speak. There needs to be a promise of return and a commitment to addressing the issue when I come back.”

Sharing more vulnerable emotions – saying you feel sad or overwhelmed, for example, rather than expressing frustrations through anger – can also invite compassion from your partner, says Harvey.

A final tip is to have a post-holiday debrief if micro-tensions or, indeed, World War Three did erupt. “Lots of couples just brush it under the carpet and pretend it didn’t happen,” says Harvey. “But it’s actually much better to use that as a bit of a wake-up call. Ask: what was that about? What do we need to look at here?”

She explains that we should frame our feelings as simply messengers that are trying to tell us something: maybe we need to be clearer with our expectations rather than projecting assumptions; maybe we need to work on communication. “Those tough holiday experiences can be a learning experience. Conflict is really healthy for couples, because they can grow through it; it doesn’t have to be a breaking point.”

When it comes to holidaying with your other half, a change may not always be as good as a rest – but you might not have to throw in the (beach) towel just yet.