Love is a concept often discussed in relation to “the one”. You might call it something else, depending on your sociological and cultural diet. But the meaning is usually the same, whether you’re discussing your “soulmate”, “other half”, “person”, or, for all the Friends fiends, your “lobster”. According to the ancient tradition of monogamy, this is the person you will marry and potentially start a family with.
But what if you find that person and then discover they did – or almost did – something terrible? That’s the central question at the heart of the film of the moment, The Drama, which stars Zendaya and Robert Pattinson. Released last week, A24’s latest flick revolves around a young couple planning a wedding that could quite possibly be ruined by something rather terrible that I can’t divulge without spoiling the entire plot.
The point is that the question of whether or not this engaged couple has found “the one” in each other is suddenly in doubt. And while their particular circumstances might be rather unique, this is not an uncommon dilemma. According to research, getting cold feet in the run-up to a wedding is normal – one academic study found that doubts were reported by at least one partner in two-thirds of couples.
The idea of finding “the one” is also at the heart of the new Netflix TV show Something Very Bad Is Going To Happen, which starts with Camila Morrone’s character on her way to fiancé Adam DiMarco’s family home to get married in a week’s time. But over that week, without giving away any spoilers, some very bad things happen that prompt Camila to question whether she’s marrying her soulmate or someone else entirely. Amid the horror elements of the show, that’s the central question that stands out: how is she meant to know if he is the one?
This dilemma is taken to extremes in both The Drama and Something Very Bad Is Going To Happen. But it’s something people in relationships face every day. In today’s saturated dating app culture, where a new potential spouse is only ever just a few swipes away, it can feel like we have more choices for a romantic partner than ever before. Is there any way of knowing if we’ve made the right one? The infinite options can be paralysing, too, steering us away from commitment altogether – just ask anyone who’s been on the apps for more than a few months.
But how seriously are we supposed to take those doubts? And how do we know if what we’re experiencing is normal, or whether it’s a sign we should take action and reconsider the person we’re about to marry? Are certain red flags forgivable? And which ones are not?
First off, it might be worth reconsidering the entire idea of “the one”, which psychologists have long discounted, given how much it can blind our rationale. “I think the concept of ‘the one’ should be treated with caution,” says Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo, HCPC registered psychologist. “It can act like a cognitive bias against our observations and decision making and gut instinct around the individual and their behaviour.” In other words, it can remove your capabilities to see someone for who they really are, giving room for your opinions of a person to change and grow, as is normal in any long-term relationship. This can lead people to stay in unhappy relationships.
Still, there are certain telltale signs that the person you’re in a relationship with is right for you. Mostly, these revolve around asking yourself how being around that person makes you feel. Do you feel as if you can be yourself, for example? Or like your nervous system settles around them? Does this person make you feel seen and understood? If the answer is “yes”, then experts would say you’ve got a good thing that’s worth holding on to.
“Evidence shows that healthy long-term relationships are about thriving, not just surviving moment to moment or living in moments,” adds Dr Quinn-Cirillo. “Research has shown that secure romantic relationships lead to positive changes in both an individual’s physical and emotional health and personal development, outlook and hope and a healthy sense of self.” So, if you notice positive changes within yourself that directly correlate to the timeframe of your relationship, it could also be a sign that you’re in the right relationship.
“The clearest signal is total inner clarity about your choice to be together, to build a life together,” says relationship coach Lorin Krenn. “You can have crystal clarity about the partner you choose and still experience fears of being fully seen, of losing independence, of choosing one life and closing others. This is not only normal, but expected. If the mind is endlessly ruminating, though, if there is persistent pain and confusion around the relationship, that is a sign something needs to be examined.”
It’s also worth remembering that just because someone is right for you right now, it doesn’t mean they always will be. People change. Life hurdles challenge us all. And sometimes, things might happen that fracture even the strongest of bonds. Just as it might be important to recognise when you’ve found something good, it’s arguably even more important to acknowledge when it might be time to let it go. “There can be more than one great love in a life for many,” says Dr Candice O’Neil of Ontic Psychology. “Typically, we evolve and grow through [our] life span, so there’s potential to find true love more than once as people and relationships change.” Denying this very obvious fact can hold us back.
That doesn’t mean anyone should rush to redownload the apps as soon as issues arise. Because many relationships will withstand even the toughest of challenges. But that’s not to say it will be easy. As Dr O’Neill puts it: “You can of course have one love (many do) but it requires you to grow together, to consciously recommit to each other, maintaining the connection and making the love a priority for the duration of the relationship; for some this comes easily, and for others this is challenging.”
Typically, we evolve and grow through life span, so there’s potential to find true love more than once as people and relationships change
Dr Candice O’Neil
If you happen to find yourself in a situation like R Patz and Zendaya’s characters in The Drama, whereby you discover something that makes you question everything about your soon-to-be spouse, it’s best to take a step back and look at the situation as an outsider would. “It can be helpful to think about what you would think if a friend told you and how you would respond to them telling you they had found something out about their partner,” suggests Dr Quinn-Cirillo.
And don’t get sucked into thinking you have to be loyal to someone against all odds – saying you’d help someone bury a body might be romantic in theory, but in practice it’s an entirely different moral and ethical ballgame. “Don’t confuse loyalty with ‘must do’ behaviour,” advises Dr Quinn-Cirillo. “You can be a loyal partner and also use critical thinking skills about your partner and their behaviour. Ultimately, it comes down to safety and risk. Is the revelation something risky that has or can cause harm to us or others?”
Hopefully, none of us will ever have to be in a position like the couple in The Drama. But it can still be helpful to approach the matter of “the one” with caution. After all, how much can we ever truly know and understand another person? They might be your “one”. Or they might just be one of many. Maybe, murder and other criminal behaviour aside, the point is not to know all the answers. It’s to dive in headfirst anyway, to take the risk and hope for the best till death – or miscellaneous dramatic revelations – do us part. That sounds pretty romantic to me.