Last March unfolded in ways Gabourey Sidibe could not have predicted.
The actress was preparing to welcome her twins, mark another anniversary with her husband Brandon Frankel, and celebrate the release of Apple TV’s documentary Number One on the Call Sheet, which featured her story.
Then her mother, Alice Tan Ridley, died at 72.
“Grief is hard. Grief is so big, especially when you lose a parent,” Sidibe told EBONY. “It’s like, ‘Oh, I’ve never been in the world without this person,’ right? And so it’s gigantic, and there are plenty of times where I just got to sit and wallow, but then my children want their nuggets.”
Motherhood has shaped how she moves through that grief. Gabourey shares twins, Cooper and Maya, with Frankel and says daily routines with her children have helped her keep going.
“I’m so grateful that I have something to fill up any corners of sadness, especially ’cause [my children] are so great and I love them so much and I love them so big,” she said. “And I’m so grateful that I have them to, not necessarily to lean on, but to distract me. It really does keep me focused because I need to live every single day for them.”
Professionally, Sidibe has stepped into a new role as the director of the Lifetime movie Mary J. Blige Presents: Be Happy.
Production of the film took five weeks and required her to leave Los Angeles for more than a month.
Being away from her twins was difficult. Frankel took the lead at home with the help of a daytime nanny. Sidibe said watching her partner manage their household gave her peace while she focused on the film.
“Let me tell you something about that man,” she said. “It’s not always [about] being in the crowd holding signs, tweeting, or, you know, telling everybody about me. That’s not what’s important to me in this. What was most important was him holding down those kids, without complaints and then making sure that they can see me every night and making sure to get them to me so that we can wrap our arms around each other.”
In the months ahead, Sidibe will celebrate five years of marriage and prepare to return for season 13 of American Horror Story. Her twins are also set to turn two.
For Sidibe, this chapter of her life is about ownership.
“This part [of my life] has a little more agency than I have as an actor. There’s more choice over here,” she said. “I want to create my art. I want to really be in the driver’s seat. I want to produce, I want to direct, I want to star in the vehicles that I create. Those are the dreams that I wanna achieve, and I’m getting close.”