As more women in midlife choose to leave long-term marriages, Independent readers have been sharing deeply personal reflections on why so many relationships are reaching breaking point – and whether marriage itself still works for modern life.
Many readers said the “walkaway wife” phenomenon reflects years of unequal emotional and domestic labour, particularly among Gen X women who were expected to build careers while still carrying most responsibilities at home.
Others described slowly losing their sense of identity inside long marriages, only realising later in life that they no longer wanted to keep sacrificing themselves to keep relationships afloat.
Several women spoke about feeling “lighter” and more fulfilled after leaving unhappy marriages, even when the separation brought financial uncertainty or loneliness. Menopause, empty nests and children growing up were repeatedly described as moments that forced women to reassess what they wanted from the second half of their lives.
Elsewhere, some readers argued modern relationships have become too disposable, with marriage increasingly treated as something to abandon once it becomes difficult. Others said successful long-term partnerships still depend on mutual effort, compromise and shared responsibility from both people.
Here’s what you had to say:
Growing in different directions
My ex-wife and I are Gen Xers. We divorced because neither of us was happy. We didn’t hate each other or fight. We had just grown in different directions. She was the one, though, who plainly put it out there that it was over and we needed to split. She did us both a favour, really. She’s happy and thriving and I ultimately found a new career direction I hadn’t imagined before.
Followfornow
The price women paid
The price we Gen X women had to pay for entry into the workforce was to take care of everything at home, too. It was as if men said, “Fine. You wanna work? Sure! But that doesn’t mean you get a free pass on all the other stuff. Let’s see how long you can last!”
And we did, because we’re strong and our kids meant everything to us. We sacrificed ourselves to take care of everyone else’s needs, and by the time our kids were grown and gone, we realised we didn’t even know who we were anymore. Our own dreams and passions had been set aside for everyone else for 20-plus years, and now that we have a chance to take a breath, we’re deciding it’s finally time to focus on ourselves for once. If the men in our lives aren’t supportive of that, too bad. We’re outta here.
KellyGirl
Losing sight of yourself
In a long marriage it’s so easy to lose sight of yourself. The light comes on eventually when you realise that you’re weary and fed up with doing the heavy lifting in the relationship and that there is actually very little left, either in you or the other, that – MOST IMPORTANTLY – YOU want to hold on to. And what happens next is the question: what do I really, really WANT for ME? That is an urgent question and possibly the most important one in the end. Being courageous enough to answer it is the challenge – possibly the hardest of all that one has faced, but the only thing that matters in the end. No one needs to be a human sacrifice.
WinnieB
Not romanticising single life
We’re getting divorced because the kids are out and we don’t want to continue being “mummy” to the selfish husband. Menopause is the icing on the cake because your tolerance for the lazy man-child who’s expected you to work full-time and do all the household work is now zero. It’s not some spiritual journey; it’s wanting to have a space to be your own person. You’ll always love your kids and help them out, but the free labour of being a wife is time you can use to do what you value.
TheaterFan
Feeling lighter after leaving
I married late, in my forties, and I believed we would grow old together. So when the physical and emotional relationship withered, I stuck it out, thinking I was aiming for companionship. I was also trapping myself in the fear that if two live cheaper than one, one will struggle financially. Our lifestyles had diverged and eventually I couldn’t tolerate the heavy drinking. I cracked and left – and felt an immediate lightening. I am in my mid-sixties but feel more confident alone. More relaxed. And even though I will have to keep working for some time, I can do it.
Anonymous
Marriage was seen as essential
Because in the 60s at least, we were told we were supposed to be in marriages. So lower our standards until we meet someone. And then, we were told marriage is for life.
The greatest change in my life has been the opportunity for women to choose their own way of life.
Alice
Waiting for the tipping point
Speaking from personal experience, I knew I had to get to a point when there was no alternative – a tipping point – until then, there was always the hope that it might improve. I had two kids, I didn’t want to mess their lives up. It took about five years and we’d been married for 20. When I did throw him out, the kids were pleased and relieved – if only I’d known. In the weeks and months after he went, more came out about his role as a father. Not good; not supportive or remotely helpful.
MoodyJack
Marriage needs redefining
I’m an Xennial in my mid-forties and have never been married. I had my son in college and prioritised raising him over getting married. Relationships are a lot of work, marriage is even harder, especially if it’s with the wrong person. My parents were married for 40 years before my mother died of cancer, and it completely broke my dad. While he got remarried, he is not silent about the fact that he lost the love of his life. Yes, this is problematic for his new wife, however it was no secret when they got married how he felt and she did it anyway. Their marriage is ONLY about security and companionship. He’s leaving everything to her when he dies. While I disagree with that as his child, it’s not my money nor my choice. It was basically a contract between the two of them and she’s basically cared for him for the last 16 years.
I think we really need to stop romanticising marriage as this happily-ever-after trip down fairytale lane. My parents were deeply in love and went through a lot to keep their marriage together. The answer there was that they both worked on it all the time, because they realised there was nothing better out there. The key word there is “both”.
I look at every single one of my friends and family that got married and then divorced, and the common themes were laziness, infidelity, not speaking the truth, communication issues, and very unbalanced relationships. We have to redefine what marriage actually is in the 21st century rather than doing the outdated idiocy of 70 years ago. It simply won’t work.
AnM
Burnt out by unequal partnership
I am quintessential Gen X in every sense of the word. Born in 1971, others like me were born in the space between parents who felt marriage was the thing to do, so you did it, and a divorce rate that accelerated at the speed of light. Women were changing, becoming liberated, working more, but Gen X men stayed the same. I personally grew up very confused about marriage. Up until I met my now ex-husband, I really had no desire to marry or have children. When I met him, I was 30 and I felt a lot of pressure that my “no desire to marry” mindset was not normal. So, I took the plunge.
Fifteen years and one child later, it really hit me how so many Gen X men did not learn a single thing about partnership (not all, some). I was used, overworked and burnt out. So I left. I felt lighter than a cloud the minute I told him.
I say “not all Gen X men” because I now have a non-marital partner who is a partner in every way. He amazes me every day. But marriage for us? We are both scared to ruin what we have that we keep things just the way they are: living in separate houses, with separate finances, and separate responsibilities. I tell my daughter that marriage isn’t the be-all and end-all. To marry or not marry will be totally up to her, but only if she finds a true partner.
Gold
Marriage as a resource to exploit
My parents were married all of my life. Prior to retirement my dad busted his butt building a nest egg to ensure that my mum would have everything she needed when he died. My mum was a stay-at-home mother most of the time, but she did work part-time as an RN. My father had a saying that what was his was hers, and what was hers was hers. And he meant it.
A bit before Covid my father had an operation that resulted in him having a stroke. The result was that he was… less than he once was, and he slowly deteriorated.
As he spent 50-plus years of his life caring for her, she spent his last eight years caring for him as long as she was able. She went above and beyond what even women of her time were expected to do. And the one constant was every time I saw my father, he pulled me aside and reminded me that it gave him peace knowing I and my brothers would take care of her if it was ever needed.
Today’s women are far more likely to just decide it’s “too hard” and walk away. They would in fact be encouraged to do so by other women. I think it’s fair to say that they are far more selfish. They have all the expectations in the world of what men “owe” them, but almost none for what they in turn should provide.
More men are choosing not to get married now because of this. Why risk it all when you no longer need to? What benefit is really left that is worth the risk?
Richard
Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.
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