There’s no perfect way to raise children. But if you’re despairing because of unruly kids, adopting some Japanese parenting methods could be the way to go.
Japanese parenting emphasises unconditional love, community, and harmony with nature, as a way to nurture well-behaved, respectful and creative children, explains author Lisa Katayama, who used Japanese methods to bring up her own two children after moving from Tokyo to America.
And now she’s shared the core principles involved with Japanese child-rearing in her new book, The Japanese Way of Parenting.
She says: “As a first-time parent, I felt a need to find more calm, more connection to self, more order in the sea of chaos I could have easily drowned in.”
She says she drew on her experience of growing up in Japan to write the book, and explains: “There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting, but I believe some core Japanese principles – like respect, community, and mindfulness – translate beautifully into daily family life.”
Here are 10 of Katayama’s most practical parenting tips to try at home…
1. Greet others pleasantly and politely
Katayama says that in Japan, even small children are greeted warmly. She says: “When I drop my kids off at day care, their teachers greet them with ‘Ohayo gozaimasu’ – good morning.
“Parents exchange the same greeting. When everyone around you behaves this way, you quickly learn that politely acknowledging others is simply what people do.”
She suggests that instead of being on autopilot, parents should model warm, genuine greetings, explaining: “This teaches kids that the world around them is worth acknowledging. It costs nothing, and just one warm greeting can make someone’s entire day.”
2. Teach kids to clean up after themselves
Most parents know it’s faster to clean up after their kids than to wait for them to do it themselves – but this habit has a cost, Katayama warns. “Kids quickly start to expect it, parents grow resentful, and the unspoken message that someone else will always sort out your mess isn’t one most of us intend to send.
“Teaching children they’re responsible for the wellbeing of their environment is a life lesson worth the short-term effort.”
And she points out that you can make kids cleaning up more fun by playing a clean-up song, setting a timer, or giving a toddler a real cleaning tool rather than a toy one. “The goal isn’t a spotless home, it’s kids who understand they’re active participants in making a household function,” she explains.
3. Believe everything has a spirit
The Japanese are animists, believing everything has a spirit, even laptops and kitchen knives, and Katayama asks: “What if your kids thought about whether their belongings were being treated well? Are their books shelved neatly? Are their clothes given room to breathe in a drawer, or stuffed in and forgotten?
“When children are encouraged to think this way, they begin treating their things, and eventually other people and the natural world, with more care and intentionality.”
4. Think about everyone’s feelings, not just your own
One of the values most deeply embedded in Japanese culture is a collective awareness – considering how your actions affect the people around you, says Katayama.
Japanese schools regularly hold sessions where students discuss how their choices make others feel, but she points out: “Bringing this practice home doesn’t require a formal curriculum. It can be as simple as pausing after a conflict and asking your child: ‘How do you think that made them feel?’
“Over time, this habit of perspective-taking builds genuine empathy – not just the ability to say sorry, but to actually understand what someone else is going through.”
5. Learn the art of saying ‘Douzo!’
The Japanese word douzo is roughly equivalent to ‘here you go’ in English, but it carries more meaning, says Katayama. “It’s a small word that encodes a big idea – that offering something to someone else feels good, and relinquishing your grip on something you want can be its own reward.”
She suggests using it the next time two kids are battling over the same toy.
6. Know the difference between indoor and outdoor shoes
Removing shoes at the door is a well-known aspect of Japanese home life, and one of the easiest to adopt in Western homes, says Katayama, who suggests keeping a doormat or rack near the entrance so everyone can leave their shoes there.
“It keeps the home cleaner, and creates a small but meaningful ritual, a moment of transition between the outside world and the calm of home,” she says.
7. Do one thing at a time, mindfully
Katayama says many mums and dads “parent at a sprint”, and points out: “This pace isn’t just exhausting for adults, it creates a distracted, fragmented environment for children who are still learning how to focus and regulate themselves.
“The concept of doing one thing at a time with full attention is foundational to Zen Buddhism and deeply woven into daily Japanese life – from the careful preparation of a bowl of matcha, to the way a meal is assembled and presented.
“This kind of mindful focus, modelled consistently, gives children permission to slow down and do the same, and will help them to more easily pay attention.”
8. Greet your food
Before eating, Japanese children say ‘Itadakimasu’ – a phrase that Katayama says has no perfect English equivalent, but expresses gratitude for the food, and for everyone who helped bring it to the table.
“Whether your family adopts this phrase, says grace, does a moment of silence, or simply takes a collective breath before the first bite, a small mealtime ritual does something valuable – it slows things down, builds appreciation for something that’s easy to take for granted, and gives kids a signal that the meal, and the people around the table, deserve their full attention,” says Katayama.
9. Take less than your share
Enryo is a Japanese concept of restraint – the practice of holding back out of consideration for others. Katayama says that at a shared meal, Japanese diners will often leave the last piece on a plate untouched, out of respect for everyone else at the table.
“It’s a small act,” she says, “but it signals something larger: that your own desires don’t automatically take precedence over someone else’s comfort.”
She points out that this is a powerful concept to introduce to children, who are naturally inclined to take what they want, and suggests framing it as a challenge – ‘Who can show the most enryo?’.
“Over time, this teaches kids that restraint can be its own kind of strength,” she says.
10. Find a sense of peace
After World War II, Japan adopted pacifism as a core national value, and over generations, that commitment worked its way into the Japanese culture, explains Katayama.
She says parents have to find their own sense of peace, and explains: “It’s not about being placid, but about consciously choosing a calm and grounded way. The more you practice, the more that peace becomes contagious – and the more it shapes the kind of people you’re building together.”
The Japanese Way of Parenting by Lisa Katayama is published in hardback by Workman, priced £16.99. Available May 14